As we watch the COVID-19 Delta variant rapidly spreading throughout our country and the world, fears of getting sick and losing one’s health, or life for that matter, are heavy on many people’s minds. However, there is a large population of people that have lived with this fear long before COVID-19 was a thing. Those suffering from chronic pain or illness, or those with weighty diagnoses hanging over their heads, live day in and day out with fear related to what the future may hold. Will they be able to stand at the sidelines of their child’s soccer game, walk into the auditorium for that high school graduation, dance with their children on their wedding days, hold their first grandchild? Questions like these often plague their minds on even the sunniest of days.

Unfortunately, some people with chronic illness struggle daily. Pain is a constant companion for these individuals, and this physical pain bleeds into their emotional and spiritual health. The people around them may create distance from them, causing further isolation. Other people with chronic conditions actually may have ‘good days.’ This can be a blessing and a curse because it makes it difficult for them, and the people around them, to know what the next day…or even later that same day…may be like. How can you make plans when you have no idea how you will feel? These people may feel misunderstood and invalidated by those around them who become frustrated with the ups and downs, or even think they are exaggerating or faking altogether.

I would like to take this opportunity to outline some things people with pain or illness can do to help during their darkest moments, as well as what loved ones can do to offer support. This is certainly not a comprehensive list, and since we are all different, there will be some individual preferences and levels of comfort to be considered. However, it is a starting point where conversation can begin.

Receiving a diagnosis may be an explanation for the pain and suffering endured for months or years. In some ways, this can be a relief and serve as validation that you aren’t really “crazy” or attention seeking. However, that diagnosis and prognosis may also come at a time where there are zero symptoms and you’re living your best life. The news can leave you spinning as you cope with the physical, emotional, and financial stress that follows.

So what do you need in those moments?

1. Take some time to absorb the news and catch your breath. You don’t have to respond to pressure from doctors or family. Rather, you can set the pace.

2. Allow yourself to experience your emotions as they come. There will likely be a flood of emotions…sadness, fear, anger, resentment, jealousy, grief. Whatever you are feeling is normal, and it is ok. Feelings are like the waves in the ocean, they will surface, peak, and dissipate on their own. Sometimes all we can do is ride the wave. When the emotions surface, give them a seat at the table for a bit; however, don’t let them buy property within you. You can experience the emotions, give them a voice, and allow them to pass.

3. Focus on the present. Don’t expend energy on all the things you could have or should have done to possibly prevent this diagnosis. The past cant be changed. Likewise, don’t focus on predicting the future. Don’t spend time envisioning yourself in the wheelchair or limited by what statistical survival rates are. You are an individual, and even though your diagnosis may be something your doctor sees frequently, your path is still unique. It is of vital importance to remain in the present. When you are pushing your child on the swing at the park, allow yourself to feel the wind on your cheeks, soak in his squeals, feel the moment. The past cant be changed, and the future is unknown, regardless of what the internet may say about your prognosis. If you spend the time you have living in the past or the future, you are missing these precious present moments. Mindfulness apps and grounding exercises can help.

4. Find a purpose. Invest in those relationships, join a book club or start a backyard garden, sign on for that project at work, volunteer with the local animal rescue, join a Church group….whatever you need to do to be active, distract your mind, and show yourself that you (and your life) are so much more than your diagnosis.

5. Do what you need to do for yourself, even if it doesn’t make sense to anyone else. If you need to stay in your pajamas and watch The Office all day, do it. If you need to cry while you eat a bowl of ice cream, do it. If you need to research alternative therapies or treatment options, do it. If you need to talk to a spiritual leader, do it. This is your life, and you don’t have to defend your thoughts, feelings, or behaviors to those around you.

6. Open up about your feelings and experience. If you don’t feel comfortable talking to family or friends, consider joining a virtual or in person support group or speaking with a counselor. Being diagnosed with a chronic condition or given a poor prognosis can be traumatizing. You do not have to bear the weight on your own.

If you are a loved one of someone who has received a devastating diagnosis or is struggling to cope with debilitating symptoms, you may feel helpless. You cant take the diagnosis or pain away, but you can be a support.

1. Receiving a weighted diagnosis can feel isolating, and often times people close to the person will distance themselves due to their own discomfort and awkwardness. You don’t have to say and do all the ‘right things’ in order to be a support. What matters is that you are there.

2. Offer to help, but be specific. Being vulnerable and asking for help is hard. It is much easier to accept support when it is specific and detailed. Instead of saying, “let me know if you need anything” try something like “I would like to help babysit for you this week, how does Monday afternoon sound?” or “I am planning to make a meal for you this week. Would Tuesday or Wednesday work?” or “Can I come over to do a few loads of laundry for you?”

3. It can also be a huge relief to have assistance with errands. “I would like to pick up the kids from school for you, would that be ok?” Or “I am going to the grocery store today, and I would like to pick up a few things for you.” Offering your support in this way makes it less uncomfortable for the person to have to ask or try to juggle everything solely.

4. Keep inviting the person to do activities or spend time together…even if the answer is no. Coping with a diagnosis or prognosis can be devastating and have extreme highs and lows. They may turn down multiple invites, but there may be one time when they are able to attend. If the invites stop, it can feel incredibly isolating and lonely. Remind yourself that a no is often due to physical or emotional pain, and it is not personal. Be that consistent source of support during a very inconsistent chapter in their life.

5. When you do plan an outing, ask them what they would like to do or where they would like to eat. They may have physical limitations or dietary restraints that make activities challenging. Giving them the option to choose may be less awkward than having to say no to a specific event, and it can provide them with a feeling of control when things likely feel very out of control.

6. Offer to attend a doctor’s appointment. When coping with a serious diagnosis or condition, it can be overwhelming. Prior to the appointment, ask if you can help to write down any questions or concerns that need to be addressed. It is easy to forget things or miss the specialist’s response because of the emotional nature of the situation and thinking of 20 follow up questions. Having a trusted support person present can be invaluable. As the support person, you can take notes on the information provided and help to recap the appointment later.

7. Researching and advocacy are essential when coping with a diagnosis. However, research can be a slippery slope that leads down a rabbit hole to depression and anxiety. As a support person, you can ask, “can I help you do some research on your options?” This can be immensely beneficial in that it allows you to be a rational sounding board and someone who can reel the person back in when the emotions take control.

8. Allow the person to feel whatever they are feeling. Resist the urge to say things like, “you should be grateful…” or “you shouldn’t feel that way…” Focus on validating their experience, and avoid saying you understand when you have not walked in their shoes.

9. Be a presence. Be willing to spend a day on the couch watching movies if that is what they are able to do that day. Bring old pictures of happy memories to reflect back on. Come over armed with funny movies and a bag of sour gummy worms if that is their favorite treat. Be a listening ear, but also be a source of fun and laughter. Your presence can be the light in deep darkness, so don’t underestimate the power you have.

This is not a comprehensive list, but it is a starting point. Be open and honest with each other. Part of this communication means being able to listen without judgment to things that may be difficult. Life is hard, and chronic pain and illness make it harder. It’s not about being perfect, rather it is simply about waking up every day and doing the best you can that day. If you are living with physical pain or fear related to what a diagnosis received may bring you in the future, and you find yourself in need of professional support, the clinicians at Chrysalis Center are here for you. You don’t have to travel this road alone.

September is Recovery Month!

Now in its 32nd year, Recovery Month celebrates and promotes the recovery community as well as service providers across the nation who make recovery in all its forms possible. This Year’s National Recovery Month Theme: Recovery is for Everyone. Every Person, Every Family, Every Community.

For those who don’t know, Wilmington has an extremely strong and active recovery community. I’ve been fortunate to witness this community in action via so many clients’ recovery journeys over the past 19 years. I always say my greatest teachers have been my students (or in this case my clients). I’ve done extensive research culminating in a Master’s thesis on alcohol-related topics, was published in the journal Addictive Behaviors, and learned Motivational Interviewing from a mentor who studied under the person who created the technique. However, I’ve by far learned the most about addiction and recovery from the brave men and women in the trenches, living life on life’s terms one day at a time.

For this blog, I polled many of them and asked:

What is the best thing you’ve gained via your recovery from addiction?

· The best thing I have gained in recovery is the relationship I have with my teenage daughter. Wouldn’t trade it for anything.

· Best thing I gained is a loving and forgiving relationship with God.

· The best thing I have gained from recovery is not feeling alone anymore. I no longer have to seek approval from other people or act out in behaviors to gain attention. I have gained true, authentic friendships with people who think like I do. It’s a wonderful feeling to feel like I belong.

· The best thing I’ve gained is self-love and self-compassion.

If you could give one piece of advice/words of wisdom to a newcomer, what would it be?

· If I could give a newcomer a suggestion, I would tell them they have to be willing to change everything about their lives with no reservations.

· One thing I tell a newcomer “keep coming back, we love” also “ if you don’t do a 4th step you will relapse”

· My suggestion to a newcomer would be to trust the process. The suggestions given to me at first seemed stupid and I didn’t want to listen but I was so broken that I did whatever I could to get better. Eventually things started to get better and I continued to take those suggestions.

· One thing I’d tell a newcomer, is “Hold on.” – I know that’s simple and cheesy but really. Sometimes it’s the simple instructions that we can follow and have the most meaning.

*shared with permission

Special thanks to these clients who inspire me every time I meet with them for sharing their wisdom, strength, and hope. As I wrap up this recovery month blog with a theme which includes “Every Community”, it would be remiss not to honor a giant in our own recovery community. Wayne Ray, the founder of Launchpad (which operates over 20 recovery homes between here and Myrtle Beach), passed away recently with 25 years of sobriety himself*. I wanted to close with just a few of his often quoted sayings about recovery:

“You want to know what it takes to be in recovery? All you got.”

“Gratitude is an action word.”

“Stay vigilant!”

For anyone out there struggling with addiction, please know there is hope and that recovery is entirely possible. You don’t have to go it alone- there are many professionals and members of the recovery community willing to walk alongside you in your journey.

Some of our Many Local Resources:

Wilmington Area Intergroup

New Life Launchpad

Momentum Recovery

Delta Behavioral Health

Kelly Broadwater, Executive Director of the Chrysalis Center, specializes in treating co-occurring eating disorders and substance use disorders, addiction transfer, and food addiction.

 After the last year we’ve all been through, back to school has taken on a whole new meaning for our children. With so many changes, it’s normal to feel anxious or stressed about returning to school in-person. Here are a few ideas to keep in mind when helping your child navigate the school year

1. Routine

One way to minimize stress and anxiety going into the new school year is to create a structure for your child. Having a consistent structure and routine can help create clear expectations and a less stressful morning routine. Encouraging a consistent bedtime (including time to wind down before bed) will ensure that your child gets adequate rest through the night, so they feel ready to tackle the day! If you can get into a consistent routine at night, that will help the mornings run more smoothly. In the mornings, make time for breakfast and utilize a backpack checklist to help your child bring everything they will need to be successful at school.

2. Model

The role of a parent or caregiver is a very important one in a child’s life. They look to the adults around them to set the tone. For that reason, it is so important to model a positive and flexible attitude during these big transitions in life. Your child is more likely to feel secure and capable of tackling this new school when the adults do too. Lead by example and show them that flexibility and a positive attitude is not only important but needed to get through these big changes.

3. Validate

There are plenty of reasons to be nervous about the new school year. From being out of practice with routine to safety concerns related to COVID; your child is likely having some big feelings around going back to school in-person. Give your child the opportunity to discuss their concerns and validate how they’re feeling. It can be reassuring to remind them that not only are you there to support them, but the school is there for them too. Teachers, counselors, school social workers, etc. all play a role in your child’s success at school. Knowing when and who to ask for help and support can make all the difference during this challenging new school year.

4. Be present

Being present with your child during these times is so important for creating a sense of safety and security. Spend some time on a regular basis to check in with your child about how school is going. Ask them what their favorite part of the day was or what they are most looking forward to this week. This will open the conversation up to discussing the positive changes as well as process any big feelings they may be having. Help your child recognize the ways in which they’ve been successful in handling stress in the past and encourage them to utilize those same skills during this transitional time. Some children may be experiencing higher levels of anxiety than usual; spend some time practicing deep breathing with your child so they can utilize these skills in times of high anxiety or stress. Deep breathing exercises can create a sense of calm in both body and mind.

5. Socialization

            One of the biggest (and most positive) changes happening this school year is the amount of socialization that your child can have! This can be a great opportunity for your child to feel supported by peers in and out of the classroom. Encourage your child to get involved at school and with friends (in COVID friendly ways, of course!) doing activities that they have an interest in. Whether that be participating in class as much as they can or signing up for clubs and extracurricular activities that highlight their interests or talents.

6. Join our Back-to-School Group!

   

            If you or your child feel extra support during this transition to in-person school would be beneficial, consider joining our back-to-school group! This group will focus on many of the things discussed above, processing concerns, exploring the use of coping skills, and addressing stressors in the school setting. The group setting will help to increase socialization skills and create a support system for your child. This 6-week group will start Tuesday, September 7^th from 5:30-7PM. Please reach out if you are interested in joining!

Diet culture is a way of thinking that assigns moral virtue to some types of bodies but not others.  As a society we have been taught to feel a certain way about food, language, and body size surrounding fat.  Certain foods have been labeled as “good” or “bad,” while different body shapes have been labeled as more or less desirable. If you are looking to change your food and fitness routine to a more health-conscious approach, that is great!  There is nothing wrong with wanting to change your lifestyle in order to feel better.  However, keep in mind that diet culture has instilled these negative messages about how you should feel about your shape, diet, weight, and overall wellness.

Here are six tips to help you remove diet culture talk from your life and move towards a more body positive approach:

1. Fat is not a feeling.

It is a description, and one that some people even use to describe themselves in an empowering way.  Recognize when you are using the word “fat” in place of an emotion, such as when you feel bad or upset.  Instead of “I feel fat” try a phrase such as “I don’t feel good about my body today.”

2. Do not use weight loss as a compliment.

Although some people may have worked very diligently to lose weight, you may never know how or why someone has lost weight.   It may have been an unintentional weight loss, or weight loss that occurred in an unhealthy way.  Try to focus your compliments on mood or demeanor.  Instead of “You’ve lost weight, you look great.” Say “you seem so happy lately.”

3. Food is just food.

There is no such thing as foods that are “good” or “bad.” Certain foods should not make you feel shamed when they are eaten.  While some foods should be eaten in larger quantities than others, there is room for all foods in a balanced and nutritious diet. Instead of putting food into categories, view it as a necessary source of nutrition for your body.

4. You can be fat and beautiful.

According to diet culture, to be fat means that you cannot also be beautiful, happy, or successful.  Recognize that “fat” and “beautiful” can occur at the same time, period.  Some people view fat itself as a beautiful and empowering state of being.

5. Allow others to choose how they describe themselves.

Fat does not have to be treated as an insult; some people can use this word without any issue.  Instead of telling somebody “Don’t call yourself fat” say nothing! Allow others to describe themselves however they want to.

6. Stop taking “Cheat Days.”

As is mentioned in #3, there are no “good” and “bad” foods.  You do not have to justify what you are eating to yourself or others by labeling the day as a “cheat day.” It is perfectly fine to deviate from your nutrition goals.  But when you call it a “cheat day,” this is a way of labeling your actions as “bad.” Instead, enjoy the foods you are craving and then return to your eating regimen without the addition of guilt.

Atypical anorexia (AAN) is often an over-looked, misdiagnosed or under-treated condition.  Bringing attention to this eating disorder may validate any individuals who are suffering. While having disordered eating is difficult to acknowledge, it can also be helpful to know what it’s called.  Friends and family may benefit by being able to recognize the most common behaviors and symptoms noticed in AAN. The DSM5 recognizes AAN and defines it with all the same criteria as anorexia with one exception, the person does not present as underweight or emaciated. These individuals are still within or above a normal weight range.  Research shows atypical anorexia is just as severe and life-threatening and traditional anorexia.

So what behaviors may be recognized in people suffering with AAN?  Extreme food restriction, counting calories, counting fat or carb grams, refusing to eat entire categories of foods, engaging in food rituals during meals, skipping meals, denying feeling hungry, avoiding social situations involving food, having a rigid eating schedule, or repetitively making excuses for not eating. One may also deal with intense fear of weight gain, disturbance in body perception, and extreme emphasis is placed on body shape, size and appearance, .

Medical concerns and physical symptoms may include the following: malnutrition, low blood pressure, episodes of feeling light-headed and dizzy, bradycardia (low heart rate), irregular heart rhythm, bone loss, electrolyte imbalances, loss of menstrual cycle, psychiatric comorbidities (e.g., depression, anxiety, obsessive-compulsive disorder, self-harm or suicidal ideation).

To an unexperienced eye, this psychological disorder may be difficult to recognize. Atypical anorexia is a serious condition that can greatly impact someone’s, career, relationships, health and quality of life.  Don’t allow the stigma of what an eating disorder should look like to prevent you from finding the courage to get help.  We must look beyond body weight when diagnosing eating disorders; you cannot see an eating disorder by someone’s appearance.   If you recognize a loved one who may be suffering, approach them in a private setting.  With respect and compassion, share your concerns and encourage seeking professional support.  Freedom from this emotionally and mentality exhausting disorder does exist.   Hold onto HOPE, recovery is possible!

Chrysalis is so lucky to have Sydney Swan join our practice. She is in the office and ready for new clients! To learn more about her, read the following interview…

What is your therapeutic style?

I’ve been told I have a very gentle approach. I work to collaborate with clients and tailor my practice to meet the needs of each individual by empowering them from a place of non-judgement and support. I practice client centered, trauma informed care to support clients in processing experiences that have shaped their lives as well as aid their search for coping skills individualized for them. 

What do you like best about being a therapist?

I like supporting people in the healing process and becoming more authentic to themselves.

What are your specialty areas?

My specialty areas are trauma work, anxiety, and self-esteem. 

What was your favorite class in graduate school and why?

Social Work Policy was my favorite class because it facilitated a lot of great discussions about the systems involved in the work we do as social workers. 

How to you manage a work / personal life balance?

I do everything I can to not bring work home with me so when I’m home I can focus on my family and my self-care. For me, self-care is yoga or a creative activity. I like to cook, paint nails, and knit. Part of my self-care is going to therapy also and working on myself.

What’s your favorite book? 

Well, my favorite author is John Grisham. I’ve read almost all of his books — he’s a lawyer who writes a lot of murder mysteries. My favorite book by him is “A Painted House”. It’s funny because this is one (“A Painted House”) of the only books by Grisham that isn’t a murder mystery. 

What’s your spirit animal, and why?

If I had to pick a real animal it would be a house cat, if I could pick imaginary then it would be a unicorn. 

What is a four-letter word that begins with the letter “F” and causes a spectrum of emotions from horror and avoidance on one end, to an unhealthy obsession on the other end?

Food! Although necessary or life, food can be used in excess or avoided in order to escape painful emotions, punish one’s own body, or for some type of control in a life that can seem scary and unwelcoming. This avoidance or obsession with food affects all races and genders but especially those who are struggling with belonging in a world that is saturated with all types of social ostracism. At the risk of sounding banal, this month marks the 52nd anniversary of the Stonewall Riots, so it seems appropriate to discuss the LGBTQ+ community and the prevalence of eating disorders they can suffer from.

Overall, eating disorders and disordered eating behaviors affect the LGBTQ+ population at higher rates when compared to cisgender and heterosexual populations.

Looking at anorexia nervosa, the prevalence is .1 to .4% in general, but for sexual and gender minorities, the prevalence is 1.7%. That is a huge difference! This means that in a group of 1000 people, in a general sample, one person would be diagnosed with anorexia nervosa, whereas in sexual or gender minorities, 17 would be diagnosed. Although most people typically think of anorexia nervosa when they think about eating disorders, bulimia nervosa and binge eating disorder are eating disorders that are also found to be higher in gender and sexual minorities. As a matter of fact, binge eating disorder is disproportionately higher in transgender and sexual minorities.

Even though there are numerous reasons one develops an eating disorder, a common theme is the feeling of not belonging, and the LGBTQ+ community, as seen from the Stonewall Riots up to current events, has not been well accepted by society. Social psychologists have argued that the feeling of social exclusion feels just like physical pain to the individual.1

Not belonging hurts!

If one feels excluded or is hiding who they are to be accepted by the world, they are living with shame, with the idea that if people know who I really am, I won’t be accepted. We are social creatures, and we will attempt to avoid rejection at all costs—even if by punishing our own bodies.

In the time of the Stonewall Riots, to engage in homosexual acts was a crime—except in Illinois, and to dress in clothing of the opposite sex was illegal in New York City! Even though we as a society have become progressively more accepting of LGBTQ+ individuals, there is still a large amount of stigma, fear, or lack of understanding in society that can contribute to a feeling of not belonging which in turn seems to contribute to higher rates of eating disorders. Just like the rioters at Stonewall Inn who took a stand in the early morning hours of June 28, 1969, we can also take a stand and say, “No more!” We can stand up for who we are, for those we love, or even just stand up for the LGBTQ+ individuals around us. We all belong no matter who we love or what gender we know ourselves to be.

1. MacDonald, G., & Leary, M. R. (2005). Why does social exclusion hurt? The relationship between social and physical pain. Psychological Bulletin, 131(2), 202-223. DOI: 10.1037/0033-2909.131.2.20

June is post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) awareness month. PTSD can develop after exposure to any traumatic event, such as abuse, interpersonal violence, disasters, accidents, or sexual assault. Symptoms include persistent anxious and/or frightening thoughts, memories of the event(s), sleep problems, dissociation, flashbacks, panic attacks, and the development of other psychological disorders, including eating disorders.

Studies have shown a strong connection between trauma, PTSD, and the development of eating disorders (Brewerton, 2007; Mitchell et al., 2012). In fact, one study found that the vast majority of men and women with anorexia nervosa, bulimia nervosa, or binge eating disorder reported a history of interpersonal trauma. Furthermore, 33% of women with bulimia, 20% with binge eating disorder, and 11.8% other eating disorders met full criteria for PTSD (Mitchell et al., 2011). On average, approximately one in four people with an eating disorder has symptoms of PTSD (Tagay et al., 2014). Males with PTSD are also significantly more likely to develop an eating disorder than males without PTSD (Mitchell et al., 2012).

Research shows higher trauma rates among individuals who struggle with binging and/or purging as well. Two major studies have shown that individuals with bulimia or binge eating disorder have significantly higher rates of PTSD than individuals without an eating disorder. When PTSD symptoms are considered without necessarily meeting full criteria for the diagnosis, well over half of individuals with bulimic symptoms have PTSD or PTSD symptoms (Brewerton, 2007).

While it is still unclear exactly why trauma contributes to the development of an eating disorder, trauma can cause disruption to the nervous system (Ross, 2018). This can make it difficult for individuals to regulate their emotions, which can contribute to the development of disordered eating as a way to cope with emotions.

Eating disorders are also commonly associated with control. Traumatic events can leave a person feeling powerless and vulnerable.  Restricting food intake, structuring their exercise routine, or purging food may feel like a way to regain a sense of control in their lives. Bingeing and/or purging can temporarily reduce the anxiety related to trauma by serving to numb, avoid, or even forget about the traumatic event(s). These behaviors are reinforcing, making it very difficult to break the cycle.

Treating trauma and eating disorders

 Eating disorders and PTSD are both very complex and can be debilitating if they go untreated. Recovery is possible, though. It is important to seek treatment from qualified professionals that utilize trauma-informed and evidence-based treatments and have experience with treating both trauma and eating disorders. If one goes untreated, it can interfere with overall recovery.

If you have struggled with disordered eating, traumatic experiences, or both, our diverse team of experienced therapists and dietitians can work with you to restore hope and inspire healing on your road to recovery.

Stay tuned for an inspiring story of recovery from a Chrysalis client!

References

Brewerton, T. D. (2007). Eating Disorders, Trauma, and Comorbidity: Focus on PTSD. Eating Disorders,15(4), 285-304. doi:10.1080/10640260701454311

Mitchell, K. S., Mazzeo, S. E., Schlesinger, M. R., Brewerton, T. D., & Smith, B. N. (2012). Comorbidity of partial and subthreshold ptsd among men and women with eating disorders in the national comorbidity survey-replication study. International Journal of Eating Disorders,45(3), 307-315. doi:10.1002/eat.20965

Ross, C. C. (2018, February 20). Eating Disorders, Trauma, and PTSD. Retrieved June 2, 2021, from https://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/blog/eating-disorders-trauma-ptsd-recovery

Tagay, S., Schlottbohm, E., Reyes-Rodriguez, M. L., Repic, N., & Senf, W. (2014). Eating disorders, trauma, PTSD, and psychosocial resources. Eating disorders, 22(1), 33-49.

Because May is Mental Health Awareness Month as well as the month we celebrate Mother’s Day, I decided to write about how all us mothers need to let it go!

It is becoming increasingly important for moms to take care of themselves and protect their mental health. Juggling the demands of motherhood and employment not only have a mental, but also an emotional impact on our mental health. One that we do not like to talk about, and normally ignore as we keep glorifying the “motherly sacrifice” expectation that is built into our society.

We are faced with increasing demands on our time, energy, and sanity, it has become harder and harder as a mother not to fall victim to the temptation of constantly pushing ourselves to keep up the appearance that we have it all together.  We drive the kids to soccer practice, to dance class, and attend PTA meetings, all while maintaining the household and for many, also working a full-time job. As a mother we feel we must appear to be unstoppable and able to handle any task thrown at us because that is the expectation.

But who gets to set these expectations? Why do we feel that we must keep our homes, our families and ourselves looking a certain way, at the expense of our own sanity? Why do we feel the need to prove that we are a “perfect” mother?

 The truth is there is no such thing a perfect mother….. AND we do not have to keep it all together.

We do not even have to keep any of it together. What we must keep together is our mental health.

We need to take the time to check in with ourselves and take a minute to breathe and reset. As mothers we are so busy checking in with everyone else around us and making sure others needs are met, we forget to hit pause and take time for just us.  Letting go of the need to keep it together is hard. It’s going against all the messages we’ve been indoctrinated with at a very early age. It’s going against the very voices of our mothers, sisters, and friends. I am guilty of thinking that if I missed a PTA meeting or choir concert, I would be judged and considered a “bad mom”.

But self care is not selfish and at the end of the day this is what will allow us to be less stressed and more present with our families. When we let go of society’s/other’s expectations of us, we are able to create the version of motherhood that works best for each of us and will provide years of amazing memories for our children.

I have added some of my favorite quotes about motherhood, I hope they make you smile and I hope all of the mothers out there have a Happy Mother’s Day!

“Patience: What you have when there are too many witnesses.” @rebel circus

 “My kid is turning out to be exactly like me. Well played, Karma. Well. played.” -House Wife Plus

“Sure, sometimes I question my parenting. But to be honest, sometimes, I question my child’s childing.” -Just Surviving Motherhood

 “Listen, maybe 17 pairs of black leggings do spark joy, Marie Kondo. You don’t know me.” -Just Surviving Motherhood

Many people can struggle with motivation when trying to initiate changes in their lives.  All of us are familiar with the failure of New Year’s Resolutions where we commit to make a certain change in the coming year-only to lose this energy after a few weeks.

Below are five things to know about Motivation that may help you initiate and maintain motivation with making desired changes in your life:

1. Do not rely upon emotion as a motivator. Emotions are fleeting thus your level of motivation will also be fleeting.
2. Set specific SMART goals-Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Relevant, Time-bound.
3. Start small to create an “easy-in” and a sense of accomplishment.
4. Pay attention to rationalizations in your thinking. We often rationalize reasons to not follow through.  Do not talk yourself out of what you know you want to do.
5. Create motivating thoughts. Remind yourself of why you want to make this change and what you want to accomplish with this change. Imagine success and what that will feel like.