Our Wilmington area community is not just home to some of the most beautiful beaches on the east coast, it is also the home to many active duty military families. Some of these families love the area so much that they decide to make it their permanent home upon retirement.

When men and women choose to serve their country, this decision involves commitment, sacrifice, service, and resiliency. While only the active duty member may wear the uniform, it is the entire family that serves. Spouses and children are frequently left stateside to maintain the home while the active duty member leaves for weeks or months at a time in order to protect and serve. Spouses are left to take on the role of both parents, and often times this is juggled alongside of their own education or work commitments. Children also sacrifice time with their absent parent, and this may mean holidays, birthdays, anniversaries, graduations, vacations and other special events are missed due to trainings or deployments. The emotional toll that these long absences can have on families is significant. Over the past 19 years, many military families have experienced multiple long separations. Any military family will acknowledge that memories are cherished, and time together is something that should never be taken for granted.

In addition to these long absences, military families also must be resilient and resourceful. Many families are required to move every 2-3 years (sometimes even more frequently) due to transfer orders. Moving frequently is exhausting. If the military packs and moves their belongings for them, there is the risk of beloved possessions being damaged or lost. If the family chooses to pack and move themselves, the task can feel daunting. When moving so frequently, no place may feel like it’s really home. Buying furniture for one home, only to have it damaged in the moving process or not fit into the next house, can drive one mad! Many working military spouses have to sacrifice their own careers because they cant get licensed in their field when moving from one state to another. Employers may be hesitant to hire a military spouse because of the likelihood of another move at some point in the future. Spouses may have to postpone their higher education pursuits because a move requires them to transfer to another educational institution and possibly lose worked for credit hours. In addition to the logistical nightmare this can turn into, the financial expenses can mount quickly as spouses are required to pay for lost educational credits or additional certifications/licensures. If a move is shorter in duration or involves transitioning to a state where the spouse is unable to secure an income, this can put a significant financial strain on the family. In addition, many spouses are left feeling as though their own ambitions, purpose, and identity are put on hold for the betterment of the military.

Children raised in military families have tenacity and grit. They are required to leave everything they have come to know as comfortable and secure and start over time after time. I can recall when my youngest daughter came home from school shocked to find out that one of her friends has lived in the same home for her entire life. She commented about how she couldn’t even remember all the houses she has lived in (for the record, she is 10, and her total addresses have been 7). Military kids have to learn how to make new friends, and then ultimately say good-bye. Many struggle with feeling a sense of belonging, and they may have difficulty allowing themselves to get close to others because they know that another move is on the horizon. Hearing our children cry because they are leaving a place and people they have grown to love, only to have to move to a new place and do it all over again, can be heartbreaking for both the children and the parents. Often times, our kids miss out on typical experiences because of this military life. They may miss try-outs for the sport or activity they have committed to and practiced for most of their lives. My own daughter had to give up activities and coaches she loved to move and start from scratch. This can be devastating for kids who feel that much of their identity hinges on these things. As educational requirements for graduation and college admissions become more competitive, military kids may be forced to accept a decreased GPA or class ranking because of state and district differences. They may have to repeat courses in order to get credit at their new school. Some of our high school students spend their 4 years of high school in 2, 3, or 4 schools. Things like class rings, letterman jackets, proms, playing varsity, getting college recommendation letters, applying to colleges and much more can feel like overwhelming challenges.  Many of our college aged kids come ‘home’ from college only to be in a different state altogether. Home never quite feels like home.

With all of these challenges, it is not surprising that the military divorce rate is as high as it is. The financial strains, long separations, frequent moves, loss of supports, and pressures of having to create a new identity every few years can take their toll. When you add the stress of combat deployments, injuries, PTSD, and TBI, the strain can feel like the family is being pulled apart at the seams.

Despite the focus of this blog thus far, there are also many benefits to being a military family. We don’t take time together for granted. Holidays and special occasions where we are all together are cherished, and home isn’t the house your family lives in, rather it is where your family is together.  We develop resilience and flexibility. As a military spouse, I can pack up a house and downsize our belongings in no time.  I can gather medical records, academic records, and veterinary records with my eyes closed. Researching new communities, houses, schools, doctors and more has become a pastime. I have learned to develop my own interests and hobbies, and this has proven to be useful during those challenging moves where you cant work in the field you were educated and trained in due to licensure restrictions. It can be fun to reinvent yourself. I love being a therapist, but I also love being a personal trainer and professional organizer. This lifestyle forces you to learn how to be creative in how you make friends, earn an income, and manage your home.

My daughters have both shown me what resiliency really is. Watching them leave friends, coaches, teachers, teammates, and neighbors only to have to rebuild it all again gives me confidence in their ability to not just survive, but thrive and overcome. When I left my oldest daughter at college, I was sad, but I knew she would be ok. She had already moved and started over before, and she could do it again. And during this last move, I watched with pride as my youngest daughter knocked on our new neighbors doors so that she could introduce herself  (with me at a non-embarrassing  distance, of course!).  Being able to see new places, live in different communities, and make new friends is pretty cool if you go into it with an open mind. Military families have to learn how to see the silver lining in less than desirable circumstances. We learn that not much in life is permanent. The good thing about this is that if we end up in a place we don’t like, we know that in matter of time, we will be off on another adventure again.

The last thing I want to address in this blog is what our civilian friends and neighbors can do to help us. If a military family moves into your neighborhood, please introduce yourselves. Come knock on our door and say hello. If you have kids, bring them over too! Our kids are probably still wiping away tears from recent good-byes and starving to make new connections. We love recommendations for good doctors, restaurants, babysitters, Churches, and more. If a military spouse you know is flying solo while his or her active duty spouse is away…feel free to offer an invite for a glass of wine, movie night, or adult/kid playdate.  During my last 4+ years as a military spouse, I have endured multiple medical complications. The support I got from gym friends, Church life groups, and neighbors was priceless. During some very scary times for my family, meals were made, my kids were picked up and taken where they needed to go, and they were loved on. I will never be able to fully express the gratitude I felt then, and still do today. While many of us get pretty good at looking like we have it altogether, trust me, that isn’t always the case. Some of us really struggle with asking for help, so feel free to jump in and offer from time to time. Most of us are not lucky enough to live near family, so you all become our family. You all become our emergency contacts on our kids’ school paperwork. You all become our lifelines.

It is my hope that this blog gives a bit of insight into what it means to be part of a military family. While there are challenges to this life, it is one that also comes with many blessings and opportunities. As my own family completes this twilight tour, there are many mixed emotions. Much of this life we have known for all these years will be missed dearly. It’s been a wild ride, and it’s made my family who we are today.

The appearance of U.S. Department of Defense (DoD) visual information does not imply or constitute DoD endorsement.

As November rolls in with cold temperatures, it’s the perfect time of year to celebrate Sweet Potato Awareness Month and enjoy the comfort and health benefits of this incredible super food!

Eating sweet potatoes is a delightful way to take care of your health!  These root vegetables are packed full of antioxidants, anti-inflammatory properties, and blood sugar-regulating nutrients. The orange-hued carotenoid pigments contain sizable amounts of vitamin A and the bioavailability of beta-carotene makes them a standout antioxidant food.  Anthocyanin is a pigment present in this tuber that can play a role in reducing inflammation related health problems. This root tuber draws upon below ground resources to feed the above ground parts of the plant.  They are excellent sources of vitamin C, full of manganese, magnesium, copper, niacin, choline, calcium, potassium, iron, vitamin B6 and fiber.

It is a misconception that starchy root vegetables should be avoided if one wants to maintain healthy blood sugar levels.  In fact, sweet potatoes been shown to potentially improve blood sugar regulation due to their high fiber content and a protein hormone called adiponectin which serves as an important modifier of insulin metabolism.  Despite their sweetness, they have a low glycemic index which means they do not cause a sudden spike your blood sugar levels.

Other unquie benefits include improving digestive health, improving cardiac function, boosting immunity, improving eye health & vision, improve brain growth & development, improve memory,  boost fertility and help fight cancer.

There are a large variety of ways you can prepare sweet potatoes including steaming, grilling, twice-baked, stir-frying & baking.  Rather than smothering them with copious amounts of sugar and fat, learn to appreciate the natural sweetness and experiment with cinnamon, nutmeg, ginger, cumin, balsamic, sage, garlic, orange zest, pumpkin seeds, rosemary & thyme.

Ten fun facts to share with your friends & family this year at Thanksgiving:

• Sweet potatoes are flowers and in the morning glory family.
• Yams and sweet potatoes are not even distantly related; they are in two different botanical families. Yams are related to grasses and lilies.
• NC is one of the states with the highest production of sweet potatoes.
• In 1995 was declaired NC’s state vegetable.
• Some sweet potatoes are purple due to an abundance of a pigment called anthocyanin.
• There are approximately 400 different varieties of sweet potatoes nationally and about 25 varieties available in the US.
• The antioxidant activity in purple sweet potatoes is > 3 times higher than a blueberry.
• You can eat the leaves of the sweet potato plant.
• More than 250 billion pounds of sweet potatoes are produced globally.
• The average American eats more than 7 pounds of sweet potatoes annually.

Every October since I joined the Chrysalis family, I have been asked to write for our blog and share pieces of my journey with breast cancer to promote awareness and early detection. This year, however, it was my idea to write for our blog because I wanted to share a side of surviving cancer that no one talks about and before now, I was not ready to share.

In 2012, at the age of 31, I sat across from my doctor and heard the words I would never forget “you have breast cancer”.  The word “Cancer” carries so much weight in itself that it was hard for me in that moment to see beyond it. When I could finally process what was happening, I realized I had a choice, I could either curl up in a ball and fall fast into depression or I could pull myself together and make cancer wish it never knew me.  I chose to pull myself together and fight, and that is exactly what I did. I cannot tell you that it was always easy, I had many bumps in the road, nevertheless, after countless doctor appointments and 12 surgeries, I am cancer free and have been given the title “Survivor”.

Almost immediately, after my cancer diagnosis and my initial surgeries were complete, I started speaking and volunteering at as many breast cancer events as possible. Although I had always participated with these charities, I felt a new pressure to pay it forward. I thought I owed it to all of the others battling cancer since I had it so much easier. I also began to experience insomnia and anxiety symptoms and found myself obsessively relieving the day I was diagnosed. I would think about that day step by step every single day. I thought about it while I was driving to work and while I was on vacation with my family. Despite the persistence of the thoughts and memories, I never addressed these issues or thoughts with any of my doctors.  I assumed it was normal. I told myself that since my cancer was caught early and I survived I should just deal with these issues. After all, I did not have nearly as bad as other individuals diagnosed with later stages of cancer so I did not have the right to complain. I should just be grateful.

A few years after my diagnosis I received a phone call that Toni, one of my closest friends and biggest support systems during my cancer battle was diagnosed with late stage ovarian cancer and it was terminal. I remember immediately breaking down, not being able to catch my breath and saying, “She is too good, it should be me”.  Toni fought an incredibly brave battle and when she could fight no more, gained her wings. After she passed the thought of “it should have been me” turned in to “why wasn’t it me” and that thought was not just directed at my friend’s battle but at anyone that did not survive their cancer battle.

I was no longer experiencing just insomnia and what was became debilitating anxiety, I became completely disconnected from friends and family. I would go through the motions, but I felt completely empty inside. I was not just reliving my diagnosis at this point; I was constantly questioning why I had it so easy and why did I get to live. Any time I would express these feelings to family or friends they would be minimized or dismissed. I would be told that I “shouldn’t feel that way.” I eventually decided I would just keep these feelings and thoughts to myself.

I would do my best to hide these feelings and play the part around others like I knew I should, but I was not ok.  I began feeling compelled to follow stories on social media about families documenting their terminal cancer journeys, most of these being about children. I felt like it was my responsibility to show these families support during what was the worst time in their lives. I was really punishing myself for not suffering enough and surviving.

One day my friend asked me why I was constantly following “those sad stories” and I told her “I needed to experience the pain, difficulties, and loss other cancer patients not as lucky as me go through to actually be worthy enough to be a “real” survivor.  I will NEVER forget the look on her face after that response, and that is the moment I knew I needed to get this figured out. I began seeing a therapist to figure out why I was no longer myself and why I felt crazy. What I learned was that I in fact was not crazy and that all the emotions and symptoms I had been experiencing were actually Cancer-related survivor guilt.

It may come as a surprise to those who have not experienced cancer, to learn that many of us suffer a sense of “survivor guilt”.  Cancer-related survivor guilt is a complex, multi-faceted emotion. Not only can we feel guilt at “surviving” when others have not, but we may also feel that because we have been diagnosed with an earlier stage disease, or that we didn’t have to go through chemotherapy we are somehow less “deserving” of sympathy.

Luckily the stigma surrounding survivor’s guilt seems to be lifting, thanks to a nationwide shift in the way the public thinks and speaks about mental health in general. More Mental health professionals are starting to speak on this topic and oncology professionals are starting to recognize it so if their patients are suffering with this guilt, they can offer them resources and support.

For me, knowing that survivor’s guilt is not only real, but exists in many emotional forms was my first step in overcoming it. I have learned that when it comes to navigating life after cancer, it is important to realize that no two paths are the same. Every cancer journey is different, and I need to be grateful for the good things I have. If I have an off day, instead of dismissing or being ashamed of my feelings, I need to acknowledge and accept them.

I chose to share this aspect of my cancer journey in hopes anyone else that may be experiencing these thoughts and feelings can rest assured that what you are experiencing is real and you can’t always “just get over it.” That it is ok to get the help and support you need. I want survivors coping with these emotions to know that you are loved, you do not need to justify your existence and you deserve to be here.

September 28 – October 2, 2020 is Weight Stigma Awareness Week (#WSAW2020). We are collaborating with @neda to #EndWeightHate by eliminating stigma and discrimination based on body size. Help #EndWeightHate and spread the message that all bodies are worthy. www.myneda.org/wsaw

Weight stigma is so prevalent in our society, you might not even be aware of it. The definition, according to the National Eating Disorder Association (NEDA) is “discrimination or stereotyping based on a person’s weight.”

It is a significant risk factor in the development of eating disorders, depression, anxiety, and low self-esteem. It happens in all areas of life and may be more prevalent than gender or age discrimination. People who have experienced it indicate that it happens most often with healthcare providers and family members. And it happens in media all the time, so much so that we do not even really notice it! This means, essentially, that we accept it without thinking about it.

My hope would be that if you are reading this, you want to challenge your thinking and your stigma to change how you look at yourself and others.

Being concerned with your appearance is normal, especially when we consider that ‘attractive’ people are afforded several advantages in our society – at work, in school, in a court of law, socially. Attractiveness has many components and changes over time – this is also normal and has been true throughout history and in all cultures (though criteria are very different). The degree of difference between normal concern, vanity, and obsession is where stigma lives and thrives.

We all have implicit bias about any number of things we encounter in our world – bias is really just a different word for preferences, and we all prefer some things over others. Bias is, in and of itself, not a negative thing, though we often use the words ‘bias’ and ‘stigma’ to mean something negative or judgmental. Stigma, though, subjugates groups of people. Janet Tomiyama, a weight-stigma researcher, defines weight stigma is “the social devaluation and denigration of people perceived to carry excess weight, which leads to prejudice, negative stereotyping, and discrimination toward those people” (Tomiyama 2014).

Changing how you think is, always, easier said than done. The first step in changing stigma is to become aware of it.  Here are some questions, based on a healthcare journal for providers, that may help you think about your weight bias:

• What assumptions do I make based on weight? These may relate to a person’s character, intelligence, professional success, health status, or lifestyle.
• Am I comfortable working with or even just being around people of all shapes and sizes? Do I think about if they are comfortable in our environment?
• Do I use stigma-free language when talking about weight? Do I use words like fat, heavy, or unhealthy to label people, even in my own thoughts? Do I use “weight-centric” or inclusive language?
• Am I more negative when talking about weight than I would be with other bias issues – gender, race, sexual orientation? Why?
• Do I say things about higher weight people that I would not want them to hear?
• Do I make negative comments about my own weight that I would not want others to hear?

Weight stigma can also be seen as a misguided attempt to shame people into being healthy – and decades of research show us it does not work. We equate thinness with health – and that simply does not track. The real risk factor is the stigma itself. The myriad of ways we treat overweight and obese people differently all contribute to stress, distrust, and exclusion. Just  few examples:

• Overweight kids are more likely to be bullied.
• Healthcare providers are more likely to blame weight for various issues – even COVID! They are also the most frequent perpetrators of weight stigma.
• It is more acceptable to stare at or ignore someone who is overweight than it is to do so based on other types of discrimination.
• Here are some more examples...

The things I want you to know, something we do not often remember, is that higher weight people are aware of the stigma. Many share it themselves. In over 20 years of working with clients with eating disorders, I have never, ever, met someone who is overweight who was not acutely aware of their weight and the opinions of others regarding their weight. There is no need, ever, to inform someone that they are overweight. They know.

More articles coming soon about weight bias and next steps to combat weight stigma and promote acceptance and compassion!

If you want to find out your own level of stigma about weight, take the Harvard Implicit Attitudes Test and see what your unconscious biases may be (if you are interested, there are several other IATs on there that measure a range of implicit biases we all hold). Interestingly, people who are overweight (and people who have a history of being overweight) have higher bias towards thinness than thin people usually hold!

Articles about weight stigma and body image:

Weight Stigma (NEDA)

Weight Stigma (Christy Harrison, MPH, RD, CDN)

Tips for Reducing Weight Bias in Students

Weight Bias and Discrimination

Fat Talk (Lauren Francis, LPA at Chrysalis Center)

Body Neutrality

Body Image Research

Negative Body Image

Battling Negative Body Image

No matter where you might be with substance misuse, you are not alone. The following are local and national resources to help individuals, friends, and family members get help with substance misuse:

Wilmington and North Carolina Resources can be found at the UNCW Virtual Recovery Fair.

National Resources:

The National Institute on Drug Abuse is a research dissemination center. It provides research based information for parents, teens, teachers, health and medical professionals, and the criminal justice community.

The Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration is a branch of the US Department of Health and Human Services. They can help with finding treatment centers and providers. There are also links to the National Helpline and the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline.

My “drinking career” spanned 2 decades of my adult life and went relatively unnoticed by my family and friends.  Please understand that I do not say this in a boastful manner.  I am appalled that I was able keep up the charade for almost 20 years. To hide the fact that I drank every single day (other than a rare 2-day dry spell) took an immense amount of effort. Now that the first layers of alcoholic fog have lifted from my mind…I can reflect on the extensive lengths I went to hide my addiction. Hiding in dirty bathroom stalls to chug wine, drinking on the job, stealing alcohol from others, carrying wine in my purse daily…always terrified I was going to run out. Terrified to be sober. Terrified to be alone with my thoughts, my feelings, & myself.

By the grace of God and through a commitment to 12-Step work, I am sober today…and just for today.  I try not to worry about tomorrow or get bogged down in thoughts of yesterday.  Either of those will lead me right back to a drink. I try to live in the present day – which is not always easy!  But I have learned that living in the NOW is the only place I find true joy and peace.  Enjoying the little moments and focusing on gratitude.

For most of my life, I thought the world revolved around me.  It started in childhood and continued through adulthood.  I loved being the center of attention.  I was an expert at people-pleasing…not out of genuine concern for the happiness of others, but because I wanted the praise for being “so helpful”. I was self-centered, self-seeking, and all too eager to wallow in self-pity.  Conversely, I was also extremely bossy and always had to be running the show.  My relationship with alcohol began when I was 25 years old and was like fuel on the fire for both characteristics.  I became increasingly more selfish, controlling, manipulative, bossy, and perhaps more importantly…. AFRAID.

Underneath all the achievements and attempts to people-please, I was afraid of never being good enough.  Alcohol gave me self-confidence and freedom from self-criticism.  When I was drinking, I finally felt good about myself…I felt free…I felt accepted.  However, as soon as the buzz wore off, I felt even lower than the day before.  Anxiety attacks were a daily occurrence and I lived for 5:00pm…when I could leave work and start drinking again. Every day between the hours of 7am-5pm I had to pretend that I was a functioning adult…a responsible mother…a competent employee.  I smiled the smile and talked the talk…but on the inside I was a frazzled mess. Every night I would wake up around 3am shaking and sweating from the alcohol exiting my system. I had difficulty concentrating and always felt overwhelmed by life.  The more overwhelmed I felt…the more I tried to control and micromanage my life.  Until one day, I just gave up from sheer exhaustion.  I finally reached the point of being “sick and tired of being sick and tired.”

The best analogy I have for my “awakening” is to imagine a person is standing in the middle of a frozen lake…and the terrifying moment when they start to hear the sound of ice cracking beneath their feet.  They know if they do not act quickly to get to shore…the ice will give way and they will plunge into the cold, dark waters below. That is where I was with my drinking.  Alcohol had ceased to be my friend and I could not drink enough wine to escape myself any longer. It simply was not working. The more I drank, the worse I felt…and I knew I was heading for disaster.

Walking into a 12-Step Recovery program and seeking additional therapy were some of the best decisions I have ever made. Today I am grateful for my experience with alcohol because through my recovery I have been able to gain true confidence, peace, joy, and acceptance.  I have taken a long hard look at myself in the mirror and admitted where I needed to change…and then prayed for the willingness to make those changes.  I used to be terrified of living life without alcohol…but today, I wouldn’t trade one minute of my sobriety for a drink.  There is no greater gift you can give yourself than freedom from addiction and a chance to live your beautiful life wearing new lenses! If any part of this story hits home for you, please reach out for help NOW!  You deserve to be free…

Meet the Therapist

Lauren Francis, MA, LPA recently graduated from Appalachian State University and earned licensure as a Psychological Associate. I had the privilege of interviewing her for the blog. When the interview was over, I didn’t want to stop talking to her. Read below to learn a little more about Lauren…

What do you like best about being a therapist?

I like collaborating with people and having the opportunity to help people in their journey. I have the education but consider people to be the expert on themselves.  I also appreciate the opportunity to learn from my clients and broaden my awareness of different perspectives on life.

What was your favorite class in graduate school and why?

It’s a tie.

I liked Diagnosis and Psychopathology because it gets into the nitty gritty of things – knowing the questions to ask and things to look for.

I also liked Foundations of Ethics and Psychotherapy because it was an introduction to therapy and I got to learn about the basics of therapy. It also helped me begin to develop as a therapist.

What do you think your strengths are as a therapist?

The ability to be non-judgemental. I have known a lot of people from a lot of different walks of life. I value the ability those relationships have given me to take different perspectives and more fully understand varied life circumstances.

I am able to see the individual and use my empathy to focus on their strengths rather than just the problem. I endeavor to help others build on their natural strengths and to empower them to make change and solve problems.

I am very aware that therapy is not one size fits all. I work within a framework of evidenced based practice and tailor treatment to match my clients’ individual needs.

What would you tell a friend who was going to their first therapy session.

Keep an open mind. Therapy is designed to help you reach your goals. Remember these three things:

1. It’s important to be honest and willing – we are not mind readers.
2. Going to therapy doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with you. Everybody can benefit from therapy in some way.
3. Take advantage of the unbiased perspective a therapist can give. It’s such a unique relationship – it can provide a perspective that no one else in your life can really give.

Recovery Reflections

Did you know?

• 25-75% of people who have survived abusive or violent traumatic experiences report problematic alcohol use
• One-tenth to one-third of people who survive accident-, illness-, or disaster related trauma report problematic alcohol use, especially if troubled by persistent health problems or pain
• Up to 80% of Vietnam veterans seeking PTSD treatment have alcohol use disorders
• Women exposed to traumatic life events show an increased risk for an alcohol use disorder
• Men and women reporting sexual abuse have higher rates of alcohol and drug use disorders than other men and women.
• Compared to adolescents who have not been sexually assaulted, adolescent sexual assault victims are 4.5 times more likely to experience alcohol abuse or dependence, 4 times more likely to experience marijuana abuse or dependence, and 9 times more likely to experience hard drug abuse or dependence.

September is Recovery Month! In honor of this month and the brave souls who’ve forged ahead in their journeys toward recovery, we are featuring anonymous stories from courageous clients who are living life one day at a time in sobriety. Today, a woman who is a survivor of trauma tells her story.

**Trigger Warning: Drug and Alcohol Use**

I woke up hungover, a single 40 year old women who lost her kids, home, job, car, and most friends due to my addiction.  Substance abuse controlled my every move and thought.   If I wasn’t drinking or using I was thinking about how to be drinking and or using.  I was constantly looking for an escape from life.

I tried to kick the habit myself.  I thought since I had never had a DUI or been arrested, I couldn’t be that bad.  I love my kids more I love my own life itself.  I would give anything for my kids- I would die for them, but unfortunately, I couldn’t quit drinking for them.  Addiction was stronger than anything I could imagine.

Thankfully, I had a few good friends, therapist, and family who saw potential in me even when I could not.   They helped me get into a recovery house.  Addiction Treatment is saving my life along with ongoing trauma treatment.  There is no doubt had I not moved into sober living, stopped drinking and using, I wouldn’t be where I am today.  I went in saying I wouldn’t even stay 30 days.  I thought I could just stop drinking and everything would go back to normal.  It wasn’t that easy.  My car was repossessed.  My kids were being neglected so someone else got court ordered temporary custody of them.  I had to deal with the repercussions of two car wrecks I had while drunk.  I had hit my bottom with no place else left to go.  I was a pretty angry and depressed person and never felt this out of control.  I had lost control of everything I thought I had control of.

In reality I never had control, addiction controlled me.  I surrendered the day I went into the recovery house.  I cried nonstop the first few weeks I was there.  The management there was fantastic.  They were by my side the entire time and sometimes even cried with me.  They knew my pain, they had been there before. I was a reminder of where they came from, and that helps someone in the program keep going. Within the first 30 days I took all the suggestions I could.  They said go to IOP, go to 90 meetings in 90 days, find a home group, find a sponsor, build a network.  I was desperate and willing at this point.

30 days came and went.  I got my 30 day chip.  I started working steps.  I admitted I was powerless over the disease of addiction.   I came to believe that God could and would restore me to sanity.   I had to turn over my will and my life over to God.   I made a moral inventory of myself.  I admitted to God, myself and my sponsor my wrongs.  And then I was ready to have God remove my character defects.

Today, This is where I am.  I’m working my way through the steps and I’m more than half way there.  Today I am 11 months sober. I have a job, bought a car, have my kids on a regular basis, and I’m working through my trauma with a psychologist.  I’m working on my addictions with a sponsor and my network.  Today I’m learning to live life on life terms.  I don’t have to live in constant fear of being caught.  I don’t have to hide anymore.  I’m living one day at a time.

When I was in my first 30 days, had you told me to stay sober for 6 months I would have told you, you were crazy.  You can’t get 6, 9 or 12 months without 1 day, 1 day at time.   Sometimes in the beginning it can be 1 minute or 1 hour at a time.

I don’t claim to know much, but I do know being an addict is one of the hardest and ugliest diseases you can have.  It kills.  It doesn’t discriminate.  It effects nearly every household in some way.  The numbers continue to rise.

Of course, not every day is going to be perfect, I still struggle.  I still think about drinking and using.  I know if I use or drink today, it will not end well.   It’s the first drink that gets you drunk.  Today I am thankful for my sobriety and my recovery.   I am thankful I did what I didn’t want to do.  I am thankful I took all suggestions.  I am thankful for the people in my life who loved me when I wasn’t able to love myself. If it were not for my recovery, I would not be alive today.

Recovery Reflections: When Substance Use and Eating Disorders Collide

Did you know?

September is Recovery Month! In honor of this month and the brave souls who’ve forged ahead in their journeys toward recovery, we are featuring anonymous stories from courageous clients who are living life one day at a time in sobriety. Today on the blog, a woman who struggled with both alcoholism and an eating disorder offers her story of hope:

**Trigger Warning: Drug and Alcohol Use**

My Journey: Discovery of a Hopeless Alcoholic with an Eating Disorder to Finding Freedom

I know I didn’t get to sobriety overnight and I couldn’t fathom what the outcome could or would look like. I was in my own personal hell being stuck in what just seemed like “this was my life”.

I grew up with a father that was an abusive alcoholic and had an eating disorder.  As a child, I didn’t realize that humiliating my overweight mother to weigh herself in front of all of us was abnormal; but it was and it had a devastating effect on my self-worth and how to handle what life would put in front of me.   I also remember thinking alcohol made people happy and I wanted to try that; ignorant considering my 14-year-old brain mistook ounces of beer to vodka as being equal.  There is nothing to glorify here, just remorse for my decision-making capacity at that age. What followed in years to come was an absent moral compass and using alcohol to sedate any life issues I had.  Looking back, I would not relive any of that, based on how soul sucking it really was and how blind I was while “living” my own life.

What I came to learn about myself, once I was willing to listen to someone else, was nothing short of the little girl inside that came to live what she had been told; she wasn’t good enough, in all aspects of her adolescent and teenage years.  While I now understand, a major piece lacking for me, was the recognition that there was the little girl inside that has not healed from the traumas. For myself, it was more like, I grew up this way and the skills I was shown in life, were the only ways to deal with life.  I was so wrong and I was so stuck.

My eating disorder started with a desire to lose weight.  I went through all the typical symptoms of not feeling good enough, needing to look a certain way to fit in to society’s preconceived notion that “looking thinner” is better and all that entails towards a human’s view of themselves.   When I “grew out” of these ideals, I was still bad and not good enough at all.  Then my eating disorder “grew into” a management/coping skill to deal with life again. Control. During these years, alcohol would assist my eating disorder by taking place of food and evenings would be spent drinking instead of purging.

The most devastating part of my admission to alcoholism, was not seeing the destruction of the process.  The undertones of resentments, anger, fear, anxiety and nowhere to go with all those feelings.  A human left untreated is a waste of such potential light, and yet, you could not have talked me into any of the solutions.  I simply couldn’t see any possibility.

I must admit my desire to get better didn’t start with me suggesting I go back to treatment. This was not my first treatment center.  The first treatment center was for my eating disorder and second for alcohol.  This final opportunity came as a chance for me to look at both. This was the effort to look at my whole self for the first time, and what a chance that was.  I was willing to take a chance on myself; that perhaps there might be different ways or strategies than using an eating disorder and drinking every day to get through life.

The ironic part to my drinking history is, all on its own, it went from working with me to against me.  This “friend” got me through everything; good, bad, celebrations, depressions, anything really. Now sober, I can see it didn’t change overnight, and being under the influence on some level constantly, I wasn’t able to see where I was in my disease and what others could see as it progressed.

There are still many problems in life and ones that make me feel out of control.  There are also ways to handle what I come up against; my PAUSE response.  I’ve never had that before, I just reacted first… and it all started with forgiving myself, taking care of my little girl inside and all she had endured. Most importantly, becoming responsible for my own life, not the one started on my behalf.

My biggest lesson in my sobriety has been not going it alone.  I have friends in recovery and a team of professional therapists I am willing to trust along the way.  What a blessing it is to not suffer alone and to see myself healing because of my efforts.

In thoughts and prayers for the still suffering.

Did you know?

• Almost 21 million Americans have at least one addiction, yet only 10% of them receive treatment.
• More than 90% of people who have an addiction started to drink alcohol or use drugs before they were 18 years old.
• Americans between the ages of 18 and 25 are most likely to use addictive drugs.

September is Recovery Month! In honor of this month and the brave souls who’ve forged ahead in their journeys toward recovery, we will be featuring anonymous stories from courageous clients who are living life one day at a time in sobriety. To kick off, we have a blog from a young person in recovery.

During graduate school, I completed my Master’s thesis on college student binge drinking and even had my research published in the journal Addictive Behaviors. I’ve taken numerous courses and continuing education credits on substance use disorders. However, I always say that my best teachers have been my clients. What I’ve learned from people in recovery is immeasurable. I can truly say it’s been a privilege to bear witness to this young woman’s amazing transformation and am honored to share part of her story with you:

**Trigger Warning: Drug and Alcohol Use**

My life is so different from how it was six years ago. To be honest, sometimes I forget what it was like. I have grown into a woman so distant from the all-consuming feelings of worthlessness and self-hate that unless somehow prompted into reflection, I forget the unbearable pain of feeling stuck in my own body. By the age of 18 I was so depressed and eager to escape my reality that I subconsciously resigned myself to an early death, if not by accident then by suicide. Just as Alabama Shakes sings, I didn’t think I would make it to 22 years old and I was okay with that.

I grew up in a loving family in a suburb of Philadelphia. As a teenager I thought addiction was a discriminatory disease and had preconceptions towards those who were affected. I was completely unaware that alcoholism and drug addiction had already snuck into my life and was already asking for more. The weekend I turned 15 I was first introduced to cocaine by my older brother, on a Sunday afternoon, in my childhood home. If he was doing it, I might as well give it a shot. I remember feeling so alive and free, having thoughts like, “this is what I’ve been waiting for,” “I can truly be me”. I was above the world and I thought the indescribable bliss I felt was pure. This is relevant to my story as for the next 7 years I went into harrowing depths, putting anything I could access into my body, all to chase that one high.

I was oblivious towards knowing that this quest to feel good would take me down a path that I would be unable to recognize myself. In the next several years, I would succumb myself to a life as an IV user, doing things I never thought I was capable of, emerging myself into a physically violent relationship, losing jobs for showing up to work drunk and high, failing courses, pushing away my friends and family, and watching friends die to overdoses. Every time I made the decision to draw a needle to my skin, my thoughts were “this may kill me, but I’m willing to take that risk.” I would engage in demoralizing behavior, waking up feeling so full of dread and shame. I frequently bargained with God to just help me get through the day without wanting to kill myself and I would stop drinking, but somehow by evening I’d find myself at the liquor store unable to conceptualize the emotions that ran rampant in my head all day. It felt as if once I mentally identified a “solution” or “release”, the phenomenon of craving would hit and all self-awareness was lost over the desire to drink, at least just one more night.

          I knew my use had become problematic, but swore off abstinence as an option. I was too young to give up my life. Coincidentally, the same life I was willing to give up daily for another fix. By attempting to implement several harm reduction strategies I realized the hard truth was that I couldn’t continue to live my life with alcohol and I couldn’t live my life without it. I tried absolutely everything in attempts to prove my ability to beat this. Throughout my continuous failed attempts to control my use my powerlessness towards alcohol and drugs became apparent. The last night I had drank I promised my therapist I would only have two glasses of champagne at the wedding I was a part of. I couldn’t do it. I was humbled and I was broken. At this time, I had seen my brother turn his life around in a 12-step program and despite the encouragement from him and my therapist to join one, I felt like my entry into a this program was a lifeless death sentence. As my mother drove my car home from Florida and I laid in the back seat I stumbled upon a quote by Anais Nin “and the day came where the risk it took to remain tight in a bud was more painful the risk it took to blossom.”

In early recovery there was so much discomfort, avoidance and confusion towards my identity that I literally took it day by day-  no resolutions, no future-tripping, sometimes needing to take it hour by hour. I was essentially an emotional wreck, everything that I had burdened myself with poured out and for the first time, I had to learn effective ways to deal with things. I held tightly onto the belief that recovery had worked for others and despite my rampaging emotions I became willing to give this thing an honest shot by remaining open-minded and humbled by idea that I don’t know where this would take me.

Recovery forced me to take a hard look at myself. The road to wellness certainly been painful and it has been raw. At times my mental illness became unmanageable and I found myself in several hospitals, triggered to numb my pain. Continued therapy, my strong support network, attendance to 12-step meetings and taking simple suggestions from my sponsor reminded me that there was a softer way. I am honored to share my experience with anyone, especially those who are sick and hurting like I was. Carrying a message of hope and truth, just by being authentic with myself is the greatest gift I was given in this life. My energy towards growth coincides with my thirst to live in the sunlight. What recovery has given me has been mind-blowing, but watching it touch the lives of others is even sweeter. On my best days, I am surrounded by pure light and have found bliss of being immersed in the present moment. To my own surprise, I am happily sharing a life with my husband who is my best friend, attending graduate school and am amazed daily by the love I give and receive from my friends and family. A love I know I am worthy of. I have discovered peace and learned to love myself completely. I have found genuine happiness and freedom in a place I didn’t believe existed, and that is within myself.

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Kelly Broadwater is the Executive Director of Chrysalis Center. In addition to eating disorders, she specializes in substance use disorders. She particularly enjoys helping clients with co-occurring eating disorder and drug/alcohol use achieve recovery from both.  She is proud of the individuals she works with who are maintaining sobriety, one day at a time and living life on life’s terms.