Today’s story comes from a man who wants to take an opportunity to share his journey regarding how his obsession with nutrition became one of his life’s struggles and how he was able to overcome the issues that developed.

Growing up as a kid, athletic performance was at the very top of my life’s priority list.  I was taught that dedication and extreme discipline would allow me to separate myself from my peers and help me reach greater goals.  These principles proved to be true as I saw success in high school and college athletics.  After college, I no longer had competitive basketball to fulfill my drive, so I turned to a focus on working out and weight lifting.  I had always lifted weights but now I was doing it for different reason.  Previously, the motivation was performance based, but now there was more of an aesthetic motivation.  I implemented my dedicated and disciplined characteristics into this endeavor and found that nutrition played a huge role in helping to meet my goals.  Soon enough, the “health” component would prove to be the unhealthiest aspect of this hobby.  I became obsessed with every calorie and I wouldn’t let myself deviate, even the slightest bit.  Additionally, my friends and family came to admire this level of discipline, adding pressure to my situation.  I felt like I had a reputation to uphold as everyone was looking to me for nutrition and advice on health.  As this situation progressed, an important observation should be noted – my performance, mood, and energy all began to suffer, creating even more of a toxic situation.  Eventually, I caved.  One Sunday afternoon, I ate more calories in 6 hours than I typically would in 3 days.  The psychological effects from this binge were the worst part.  This continued on and off for a little less than a year.  During that time, food began to take over the majority of my thoughts and I felt imprisoned – it was awful.  I was constantly in a state where I was either trying to undo the damage from a binge by frantically working out for hours, or I was in continuous thought about how I would prevent the next binge.  In due course, I sought professional help and learned how to prevent these binges, but more importantly I learned how to relieve my mind from obsessing about food.

I spared a lot of details, but I wanted to share this quick story for a few different reasons.  I think it’s important that people realize that eating disorders can affect people of all different shapes and sizes.  I was doing my worst, when I was physically looking my best.  I was striving for “perfection” while I should’ve been striving for balance.  Since altering my mindset, I have been much happier and healthier physically and mentally.  Also, I can’t stress enough, the importance of seeking help.  Understanding the how and why wouldn’t have been possible without the assistance of someone who had professional experience in this space.   I encourage anyone who is struggling to seek guidance – every problem has a solution!

Photo Credit: Trainer Academy https://traineracademy.org/

Our story today comes from a woman who shows us that recovery is a journey that IS possible. Are you ready to start your journey to recovery? 

NEDA week has finally arrived, and this year, the initiative is “Come As You Are.”  When I take a closer look at the theme, my focus is drawn to the action word that begins the phrase, “come.”  To me, recovery is largely about action.  A wise therapist once told me that to get different results, you have to do different things…aka make changes.  Easier said than done when most people, including myself, would rather spend decades deciphering ancient hieroglyphics than change.  So, why do it?  What’s the point of recovery?  And really, what is this fabled recovery?

To understand what recovery truly is, I believe that we have to take a serious inventory.  Don’t worry, you will not be subject to any management accounting quizzes.  By inventory, I mean more of a self-analysis.  A lot of people share what recovery is like for them, discussing what they have endured and how life is better for them now, after achieving recovery.  But I have trouble translating others’ stories in to something tangible for me.  Their experience is theirs, my life is mine.

This is where the inventory comes in handy.  Recovery is meaningless unless it applies to you, so make it applicable to you.  Honestly analyze all aspects of your day, your life, your health and your physical/emotional/mental well-being.  Caution: self-analysis takes work, and time (therapy is critical here)…but again, we can’t make worthwhile changes unless we have an accurate understanding of what we have, and what we need.

Once you have a clear inventory, aka a snapshot of your current status, you can be really truthful with yourself.  Think: is this what I want for myself?  Am I happy?  Do I feel good?  How do I relate to people around me?  Are there limits I need to enact anywhere?   Am I setting myself up for meaningful connection with others, and myself?  Only you can answer these, and many other questions.  The answers then become the bedrock for your recovery and your why.

Your “why” is your motivation, your reason(s) for making adjustments.  And it’s OK if your why morphs over time.  It’s yours…it can be whatever you want.  But make sure it’s something that you can cling to during challenges.  This is the logic behind taking action, making change, coming as you are…you aren’t going to do it unless you have a strong reason why and an understanding of what needs to be done.

Turning away from an eating disorder is slow, grueling work.  Day after day, hour after hour, decisions must be made that either align with your why, or not.  Recovery for me is an in-the-trenches process where I force myself to choose the path that’s parallel with my why, NOT the eating disorder.  I have to be gritty and stubborn and remain focused on the foundation of my new actions.  It helps to ask for help, to be surrounded by support and reminded that I’m not alone, because I’m not.  The first step, along with every subsequent step, has to start with you.  You have to come as you are, and you definitely can.  Choose life, I promise that it’s worth it.

Today we share the second client story in the series for National Eating Disorder Awareness Week where we are asked to “Come As You Are” to share stories about all types of eating disorders. 

Three stays and three diagnoses later (anorexia, EDNOS, and bulimia) and I am here to tell the tale. Why? I am not sure, but by the grace of God. It has been a long battle. One that still isn’t over. But as I am now, I can promise it gets better with time, distance, and healing.

I don’t really know where to begin. I guess the beginning would make sense but that goes way back. To paint a clear picture I’ll start in middle school. The other kids are outside at recess. I am stuck in the classroom pushing food around which I dare not eat. You see, the teachers and my parents have already had the conversation. The one that says “your daughter isn’t eating.” I’m in the middle of a long, serious, battle with anorexia. At the time I would not confess nor admit it to myself and certainly not to anyone else. This battle continues for years on end. Fast forward. I am 18-yrs-old. I walk through the doors at Chrysalis, terrified. There I am officially diagnosed. Fast forward again. I just graduated college at age 22. Time for a long seven-month inpatient stay at a treatment center. Tubes come and go, and finally I am released. Mentally still really struggling but physically going through the motions of being okay. It doesn’t last though. I ship off again. This time to a place called Castlewood for six months, but who is counting? Again, I go through the motions. Even begin to heal. Again, I become sick. I go back. Third time’s the charm? I hope so.

Now, I walk through the doors at Chrysalis, but not because I am starving, purging, working out to the point of exhaustion, or using a multitude of other negative coping strategies. I walk through the doors not because all I can think about is food and calories; I walk through those doors because I want life rather than mere existence. I want to be the best version of myself possible. I want to be a better woman than I was yesterday. And, I want to understand yesterday’s pain more deeply. I walk through those doors not because I am isolated and all alone. I walk in because I have so many dear friends who are in the battle, too. So many beautiful souls, who like me, do not deserve the cards they have been dealt.

Life isn’t fair or easy. But I am glad I have life. Now, on the bad days I skip meals and fight with my wardrobe. On the good days, I am truly learning to love myself inside and out. I am still waiting for the body image piece to get better. I believe it will. Everything else has. I am no longer anxious every time I sit down to eat. I no longer just go through the motions. Hell, sometimes I even enjoy food. I smile and mean it. I use my voice over my actions to tell people when I am not okay. And I am proud of myself for how far I’ve come. And so, I come through those doors as I am. Not as I was. Nothing more, nothing less than I am here and now. That’s all I can do. I invite you to do the same.

Chrysalis Center is proud to participate in National Eating Disorders Awareness (NEDA) Week again this year. Every year, the last week of February, NEDA strives to create awareness about all forms of eating disorders in an effort to promote healing, provide resources and education, and to help the general public become more aware of the spectrum of eating disorders so those suffering from the disease can find a path to full recovery.  

This year’s theme is “Come As You Are”. NEDA wants all those who have or had an eating disorder to have a voice and share stories, so we are happy to provide a platform for people to do that. This week – we will share stories written by clients who want to help others. Just like eating disorders come in all shapes, sizes, ages, ethnicities, so will our stories. Do you have a story to share? Has your journey just begun? If you need help along the way, please contact our office and we’ll be happy to help you find your path to recovery.

MY ED STORY

Journey is often described as an act of traveling from one place to another.  What you are about to read is my personal journey of overcoming my eating disorder.  I remember the first time I sat down with a professional, I told them that I didn’t have an eating disorder but that sometimes I stress eat.  That statement is so far from what I know now to be true.  I was at a point in my life where binge eating had consumed my emotions; my every thought; and, controlled most of my decisions.  What was I going to have at this meal?  Would I have enough food to last me through the work day?  I’m stressed, so I “need” to eat this to help me calm down.  These never ending thoughts held me captive for so long, and I didn’t even realize it at that point in time.  I had tried all the “diets” and exercise programs to help me become a healthier version of myself.  All it led me to was more binge eating, more shame and guilt, and a lower sense of self worth.

When I started seeking help, I was numb emotionally, but open minded and motivated to change.  Meeting with the registered dietitian completely changed my life, and I am so grateful for it.  Lesson 1: add a grain to my meal.  Lesson 2: add a vegetable or fruit to my meal.  I thought, “alright, how hard can that be?”  Slowly, but surely each lesson I learned created a foundation that is now my plan for living and eating mindfully each meal of the day.   Upon each lesson, I was able to gain confidence and control with what I was eating.

When I started, I would think, “well I’m not giving up this or I’m not giving up that” and the dietitian would say, “I’m not asking you to, I just want to try this or this.”  This mindset was life changing for me because it took away the “all or nothing” and “black or white” principles I had been living within my whole life.  Over time, I was able to shift my mindset to become more forgiving when I ate something that didn’t make my body feel as good, feel less guilty about enjoying a brownie or cookie for a friend’s birthday, and live an overall healthier lifestyle in which my body felt good and enabled me to do more things physically.

I remember one morning recently eating a fast food breakfast biscuit while I was on the road. While I didn’t have any guilt or shame, I found that I missed the fruits and grains that were in my day-to-day routine and that I actually preferred these newfound foods that didn’t exist within my day-to-day prior to overcoming my eating disorder.  Throughout my sessions, my dietitian also assisted me with figuring out that tomato based sauce was contributing to my IBS.  So we tried switching me to white sauce pizza which made a huge impact on decreasing my IBS symptoms, and the amount I have to take my medication for these symptoms decreased significantly.  I also found that this mindfulness and flexibility from within my food choices started flowing over into other areas of my life, so I began enjoying exercise, because I did it my way by taking classes that were my style rather than following what society told me I had to do or should be doing.   It also led me to feel my emotions (both pleasant and unpleasant) when I had been masking them for so long by eating them away.  The ability to actually feel, process, and manage my emotions more effectively allowed me to grow into and become my true self within my personal life.

I am now recovered from my eating disorder, but I am still involved with counseling and nutrition guidance so that I can maintain living my healthiest mind, body, and soul.  The journey can be long, rocky, trying, confusing, and overwhelming, but what I can say is that when you stick with it and find your peace, it is so freeing.  You gain a clarity that is beyond what you would ever imagine.

Loving yourself can seem like an impossible task because we are really good at judging ourselves. We judge and criticize our looks, what we say, how we feel, how we act. In fact, we usually wouldn’t say our darkest thoughts about ourselves to our worst enemy. Some of these thoughts we may have even had since we were a kid. It almost seems as though it’s hardwired into our brain. But how we treat ourselves makes a big difference to our overall health. So where do you start? How do you start to love yourself?

Compassion. Having compassion for ourselves can decrease depression, anxiety, and even shame. Before practicing for yourself, I invite you to think about an experience where you have had compassion for someone else. What did compassion look like? You don’t have to have the same experience as someone to recognize and empathize with their suffering. When someone is suffering, our compassion towards them allows us to respond with kindness, with care and without judgement. It allows us to understand what they are going through regardless of their failures or mistakes. Compassion allows a space for human connection with someone which is what we’re all really looking for, right?

Self-compassion is the exact same thing but turned on to ourselves; having kindness and understanding for your suffering, without judgement or criticism. It also includes being kind and understanding to yourself, even when you fail or make a mistake. It allows a space for a genuine connection to yourself. Next time you experience suffering or emotional distress, instead of judging yourself, try finding compassion. Maybe you put your hand on

your heart or say some phrase of understanding and kindness. Maybe you treat yourself to something nice, or even simply allow yourself a space to feel the emotions you’re feeling. When in doubt, think about what you would say or do if someone you love came to you when they were suffering, and then do it for yourself!

We are all human, we all have short-comings and we all deserve compassion. We deserve compassion from others, and from ourselves. This Valentine’s Day I invite everyone to open your heart to yourself and celebrate your common humanity.

For more information about Self-Compassion and how to practice:

https://self-compassion.org

https://chrisgermer.com

Kaitlyn Patterson, MA, LPA is a mental health therapist at Chrysalis Center who helps her clients learn to be compassionate toward themselves as they find recovery. To schedule your first appointment with Kaitlyn, call our office at (910) 790-9500 today.

Disordered Eating in the Military

For just over 4 years, I worked as a dietitian for military members (and their families) on one of the largest Marine bases in the world.  I was and am honored to work with this unique and special population.  Just a few months after I started that job, I realized that disordered eating ran rampant among these men and women in uniform. My eating disorder (ED) patient load became so large that I knew that I had to get additional knowledge and training to ensure these folks were getting the best care possible. You see, not all dietitians specialize in eating disorders.  It is a very specialized field of nutrition that requires additional education to ensure competency in treatment.

Unfortunately, there is only outdated and limited research about eating disorder prevalence and treatment in service members. This may be in part because many wouldn’t want to actively admit disordered eating due to the possible consequences.  In my experience, many of those who came forward to seek help were also administratively separated (honorably discharged)- if these service members wanted to continue to serve their country this would be a good reason to keep their mouths shut.  That being said, we do know that military members are six times more likely to have an eating disorder than their civilian counterparts. We also know that Marines are affected more than other branches but likely because they have the most stringent physical fitness tests (PFTs) and weight standards. Don’t get me wrong, though, all of the branches of the military suffer from an increase of disordered eating and eating disorders.

So why the higher numbers in service members? Well, there isn’t great research on that. My professional and personal opinion would point to a multi-factorial cause:

• Trauma – people who have experienced trauma (whether physical, emotional or sexual) in their lives are at a greater risk for developing an eating disorder
• Control – when a person is in the military, they are pretty much owned by the government. They have no control over their day to day lives (at least not like civilians do). The eating disorder could be a way to maintain control in a world where nothing else can be.
• Perfectionism – some have hypothesized that the things that make up a good soldier are the exact same things that can breed eating disorders. Perfectionism is praised in the military – even receiving higher/better evaluations for better fitness scores.
• Body-shaming – in many instances I treated patients who were shamed by their higher-ups. Unfortunately, this is very common. These patients would often be referred to as “fat bodies” (a not so endearing term that military members use to label someone they feel is out of regulations).
• Unrealistic standards – the military measures body fat with the “tape method”- an non-researched and inaccurate measuring of different body parts where those measurements get put into a formula that spit out a certain body fat percentage. Research has shown that this is an inaccurate way to measure body fat when compared with gold standard of DXA or underwater weighing. Unfortunately, being able to use these gold standard methods would be too costly, thus the military continues to measure body fat with the “tape method”.
• Misinformation – many military members look to their recruiters (prior to joining) or their chain of command to see how to get into shape and/or lose weight. Disordered eating methods are so prevalent, unfortunately, because many of these folks have experience with trying to cut weight fast for a weigh-in. (Remember if standards aren’t met, they’ll get kicked out of the military).

As previously noted, I think that there are many reasons that military members are at higher risk and have a higher prevalence for ED. The real concern, however, is the need for these patients to get the specialized care for their eating disorder. Often, patients are sent to the closest dietitian or therapist when he/she may not be the most appropriate in treating the disorder.  If you are a service member, or know someone who is who suffers from ED, remember to advocate for your health; find a local specialist in disordered eating so that you can get the best treatment possible.

Sarah Voegtle, MS, RD, CSSD, LDN is a registered dietitian specializing in eating disorder and sports nutrition. If you’re ready to get specialized treatment and any nutrition needs, contact Chrysalis Center at (910) 790-9500 to schedule your initial appointment with Sarah. 

As the new year approaches, many people start thinking about making resolutions. The practice of setting resolutions actually dates back 4000 years. During a massive 12-day religious festival, the Babylonians crowned a new king or reaffirmed their loyalty to the reigning king. They also made promises to the gods to pay their debts and return any objects they had borrowed. The ancient Romans began each year by making promises to the god Janus, for whom the month of January is named.

With thousands of years of practice, you’d think we’d be better at achieving resolutions. The reality is, while 45% of people make resolutions only 8% of them achieve them, with 80% of resolutions “failing” by the second week of February. Why set yourself up to feel bad in five weeks or less? A more effective practice, taken from Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, would be to set values-based goals.

Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) is a type of research-supported therapy that uses acceptance and mindfulness strategies, together with commitment and behavior change strategies, to increase psychological flexibility. Psychological flexibility means connecting to the present moment fully and changing or persisting in behavior in the service of chosen values. Many of the groups offered at Chrysalis are based in ACT.

According to ACT, the first step, before any goal setting is to clarify what value(s) is (are) underlying your goals. Studies have compared goal setting alone, versus goal setting plus values clarification, and found that those who identified their values actually performed better.

Once you have selected values that are important to you, make sure you set a SMART goal. There are different versions of this acronym, but in the iteration used in The Happiness Trap by Russ Harris (a leading expert in ACT therapy), SMART stands for:

•Specific: specify the actions you will take, when and where you will do so, and who or what is involved.

•Meaningful: The goal should be personally meaningful to you. If it is genuinely guided by your values, as opposed to following a rigid rule, or trying to please others, or trying to avoid some pain, then it will be meaningful. If it lacks a sense of meaning or purpose, check in and see if it is really guided by your values.

•Adaptive: Does the goal help you to take your life forwards in a direction that, as far as you can predict, is likely to improve the quality of that life?

•Realistic: The goal should be realistically achievable. Take into account your health, competing demands on your time, financial status, and whether you have the skills to achieve it.

•Time-bound: to increase the specificity of your goal, set a day, date and time for it.

If this is not possible, set as accurate a time limit as you can.

The next step is to write down a graduated series of goals, starting from tiny simple goals that can be achieved right away, to long term goals that may not be achieved for months or years. ACT experts break it down in the following format:

• set an immediate goal-something small, simple, easy, I can do in the next 24 hours
• short term goals- things I can do over the next few days and weeks
• medium term goals- things I can do over the next few weeks and months
•  long term goals- things I can do over the next few months and years

Hopefully trying a different approach to a time-honored tradition leads to better success with achieving your goals. Cheers to a happy and healthy 2019, living your life in harmony with your values!

For more information about Acceptance and Commitment Therapy:

www.thehappinesstrap.com

https://contextualscience.org/act

Kelly Broadwater is a psychologist who uses ACT in her individual therapy and as a group facilitator. She helped develop the Mindful Living group series offered at Chrysalis, which is ACT and DBT informed. Her motto, informed by her values, is “Work hard, play hard”.

Endless to-do lists, financial strain, dreading family functions, feeling lonely, fear of holiday weight gain, experiencing mental and emotional exhaustion with a full calendar can rob us from our happiness during the holidays.  Mindfulness is a century old Eastern concept that is well known to gift us with more peace.  Mindful eating means paying closer attention to your body, habits and triggers.  I’d like to share a few tips to find more joy and treat your body with respect this year.

Gracefully arrive to the meal.  Food represents the gift of energy, effort and life.  No matter what personal or faith-based beliefs you have, find some words to cultivate gratitude either silently or aloud prior to eating. Before diving into the meal, pause and reflect both inward and outward.  Enjoy the food with attention and appreciation.  It has a powerful ability to nourish your body while you experience pleasure.

Let go of the rules.  It’s OK to get seconds and it’s OK to leave food on your plate.  Using your sense of appreciation and gratitude for the food, reflect inward to your stomach cues with intention to eat an amount that gets you comfortably full.  Make food decisions from a place of wisdom and acceptance rather than habit or obligation.  Listen to what your stomach tells you.  Find what works for YOU rather than doing what you think you “should” do.

Stay present.  Appreciate the holiday food by recognizing the taste, flavor, texture and smells.  Become aware of your choices without judgement.  Compassion and empathy are the remedy for judgment.  Mindful eating can mean eating with a deep awareness of what we are eating and why we are eating.  Be curious of what comes to surface, it may be worth investigating later.  Allow yourself to have a thought or experience an emotion without having to react to it.  Be aware of your surroundings, urges to eat out of obligation as well as emotionally driven cravings.  Be aware of various degrees of hunger; mindfulness works best when we avoid the ravenous stage of hunger.

Practicing mindfulness brings an opportunity to experience food as an enjoyable source of nourishment, something to welcome and celebrate.  Consciousness is an essential ingredient to your well-being.  Eating mindfully is a journey and takes practice; expect yourself self to slip up from time to time.  The key is not giving up when you stumble.  Be kind to yourself and keep learning; progress no perfection. I challenge you to be more mindful this holiday season and you may just feel more merry.

Chaundra Evans, RD, LDN, CEDRD-S is a Certified Eating Disorder Registered Dietitian and an approved supervisor for the International Association of Eating Disorder Professionals. She helps her clients build a healthy relationship with food and improve their eating habits using a non-diet approach. If you’re looking for this type of nutritional support from a nutrition professional, call our office at (910) 790-9500  today to schedule your appointment. 

  The holiday season is a universally stressful time of year – a lot of people get stressed about money, winter is upon us, there is a lot to do that is out of our daily routines. Given all this, it is no wonder it gets to us.

While it might seem stressful to add mindfulness to your list, it can help us manage the stress and get the most out of the season. After all, this is a time to connect and be thankful as well. And for those with eating disorders, the holidays can feel like an enormous roadblock – parties, dinners, family, travel – that just keeps hitting you from Halloween all the way to Valentine’s Day.

Here are some ways to use mindfulness to cope with the season in general as well as some ways that loved ones and those with eating disorders can use it to mitigate the negative impact their eating disorders have on the holidays.

Practice gratitude and acceptance – If there is only one part of this that you implement, let it be this. Practicing gratitude through journaling, affirmations, meditation or prayer has been proven over and over to increase general life satisfaction, improve medical outcomes, and elevate happiness scores. Obviously, we focus on this at Thanksgiving but let’s not end it there! Just thinking about gratitude is enough to get the positive effects – even better if you are able to do it every day. Also, saying your thanks to others helps you share that gift with the people you care about.

Acceptance operates in much the same way, but it allows you to get un-stuck from the worries, demands, or people that might get you down. If you are able to identify those situations beyond your control that are getting you stuck, sometimes all it takes is acknowledgement to accept the situation and move through it. The same way you write, speak, or think gratitude works for acceptance – though you might not want to tell your Great Aunt Ann out loud that you accept her fill in the blank issue.

Be aware of your own needs – it is important to be open to and make space for your own needs, thoughts, and feelings. We all have different associations with the holidays – family, traditions, past experiences, loss – and need space to process them our own ways. Do not forget to take care of yourself and be good to yourself.

Allow yourself some peace – letting go of judgement, enjoying experiences and not focusing on the outcomes, doing less, unplugging, and spending some time alone are just some of the ways we can get some peacefulness and space in our lives. There is no other time of year when we have so much time with our support system and so many reminders of the importance of them. Everyone on the planet needs that in their lives. But we need to remember that everyone has different levels of need for connection and it is important to give yourself and your loved ones room to do that in their own ways.

Play – having fun is sometimes lost in the busyness of the season. What makes you smile? What positive associations do you have with different holiday or winter activities? Adults need playtime too! Think about something you liked as a child and do it with your own kids, your dog, or your partner. Connect. Make it happen!

Practice compassion – compassion and lovingkindness are two important concepts to apply to yourself as well as others. When we keep compassion in the forefront of our minds, it allows us to take care of ourselves, and be more attentive and more relaxed. Usually, that also makes us kinder and more open to others, keeping the holiday spirit alive.

For those whose loved ones are suffering with an eating disorder, here are some other ways to manage food stress associated with the holidays:

Don’t be the “food police” – for adults, it is not anyone else’s responsibility to manage their food choices, it is something each individual has to decide. If you have an eating disorder, try to stick with the plan that you and your therapist and dietician have worked out. If you are supporting someone, talk about what would be helpful to them ahead of time and follow through.

Pick your moments – walking on eggshells or avoiding difficult topics might let your family dinner be more peaceful, but some issues do need to be addressed. If you are concerned about someone’s eating behavior, or even just their stress level, it is important to talk about it. But maybe not at the dinner table or in front of the uncle who gossips about everyone all the time. If you do confront them or attempt to have a conversation, make sure you are being honest and saying what you mean to say. It might even be helpful to have a plan, especially if you have tried to talk about it before and it hasn’t gone well.

Let go of judgment (and practice compassion) – mindfulness is all about not judging. There are lots of stereotypes that stigmatize eating disorders – do not assume you know what their experience is like (or vice versa).

Family can sometimes trigger judgment and criticism – try to notice when you are judging yourself or internalizing messages from others. Next, take a step back and try to observe the feelings without judging them and you might be able to give yourself some much needed space for kindness, empathy, and compassion.

Use “I” statements – eating disorder or not, it is never a good idea to assume you know where the other person is coming from. “I” statements – “I feel (an emotion)   when you       do this behavior or say this specific thing)        .” help solve this problem. By expressing your own feelings, you increase your ability to connect and reduce defensiveness. Stick to pointing out what you have observed and keep your non-verbal communication calm and open.

Here are some things that are never appropriate – “Just eat!” and “Just stop!” are not useful comments. Never comment on the weight or with an eating disorder or tell them they look ”healthy” – try not to make any comments about that, especially when food is involved. Commenting on what they are eating, especially during a meal, is not helpful (unless they ask you for feedback directly).